My Favorite Class + Learning How to Ask or Say No
April 2, 2019
I love Monday nights. Why? DBT group therapy. The skills, the tools, the strategies, all inspire me to be myself and the best version of myself. This class is about Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance Skills. For me this class supports me in seeing the gray, the spectrum of emotions, feelings, understanding how life, moments, feelings, can be dialectical. This is my second time doing this group therapy. I credit this form of therapy to being the biggest game changer in my life. It was through DBT that I first learned about self-respect. It’s been almost 3 years since my first class. Fast forward I’m here again.
There have been so many changes in my life that I need a refresher, a reminder, of the skills and tools of which support me to be the best me. And this in turn means the best version of myself in all the hats I wear. Today I learned a super valuable skill. A skill in which I struggle with – Asking for what I want, and Saying no to things I don’t want to do. I have such a hard time asking for what I want. And friends, it doesn’t even have to be a big thing. I’ll give you a few examples – water, a glass of water. I once was tutoring and forgot my water bottle. And was so thirsty and instead of asking for a glass of water. I said nothing. Thought about it, kept thinking how I could get a glass of water, hoping the parents would offer me a glass. Thinking back to it now, I understand that I could’ve asked. That it was not a great imposition as my mind thought. It goes back to not wanting to bother anyone, to not put anyone out of their way. As for no? The struggle in me speaking up and saying – No thank you. No, I won’t be able to. No, I can’t is sooooooo hard for me. I don’t want to let anyone down, I feel scared that if I say no people will not like me etc. I know a baby who says no to almost everything. And I love her. I encourage her to keep it up, and shared with her parents that I’m in therapy learning how to practice saying – no. Baby girl is ahead of the curve, haha:)
Growing up I didn’t learn these skills. To be specific – Interpersonal Skills. This has deeply impacted my relationships, from family to close friends, and more so my romantic relationships. As a wife and mom this is a skill I am like sign me up! Especially with my son. I want to be able to model and show him healthy interpersonal relationships and inspire him to use the tools and skills to develop healthy relationships with others including himself. Today’s lesson was so big for me. Once I had my aha moment I began to immediately think how children need to learn this skill! And naturally my mind went to Emotion Ocean. This would be such a great lesson for children to learn, to practice. Fun! And I also began to think how DBT is a class for all. The skills and tools taught in this class are game changers. Imagine if everyone learned DBT skills. The world would be such a kinder, gentler, respectful, peaceful, non judgemental place.
As I was driving home I saw this sign and took a pic. Yes, yes, yes love me, love myself. Others, love me. And as I sign sometimes, Love me. Nancy, mama, mommy, your wife, your favorite daughter, your favorite sister:)
Friends, if you need support asking for what you want, I am here encouraging you to give yourself permission to ask for what you want or to say no if you do not feel like going to that restaurant, doing that activity, or anything you don’t feel like doing, period.
Meditation Station:
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in love. Breathe out love.
Breathe in peace. Breathe out peace.
Affirmation: I am comfortable asking for what I want. I am favored. I am excited to practice asking!
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Place both hands above your heart and say: I am light, I am love, I am peace.
Below are some tips on how to feel comfortable: Asking for what you want
- Reasonable – Is this a reasonable request?
- Timing – Is this a good time to ask?
- Self Respect – Is this aligned with my self-respect?
- Responsibility – Is it my responsibility to tell this person what to do? Think of a work setting; Team Leaders and Team Members, and Service Industry, etc.
- Kind and Gentle – Am I asking in a kind and gentle manner?
And remember friends,
I love you, me. Nancy